Thu, Nov 28, 1996, 06:28 AM (EST) To: Jason From: Norah Subject: SLEEP?? > I was thinking of the line where you said you might go after me yourself if I were a few years older. I think that one got me. I'm just not used to this sort of attention, that's all. Well, that's just the new me. I've recently started saying it as it is. Life's too short to play games and not tell people how you feel. Sometimes it hurts, but you have to take a chance, or your chances fly by, and you don't always get a second one. I lost many a promotion because they thought that I was just not interested. In reality, I just didn't know how to speak up. Now - it's a different story. You know, I write you before I go to sleep and when I get up. It's almost like we're living together. Strange... [caffeine] Try the "caffeine-free Diet coke". I find it tastes better than regular diet coke. Too much caffeine is definitely no good. DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT SLEEPING PATTERNS!!!!! I did rotating shifts for longer than I care to remember and I'm still having a problem trying to figure out when I'm supposed to sleep. I rarely get more than 4-5 hours a day and even that is broken up. In case you're wondering what the hell I'm doing, writing you at this hour -- I got paged at 3:45. Solved the problem and now it's 4:30 and I can't get back to sleep. What's the point? I usually get up around 5 anyway. [Laid?] It's been a long time, even when my ex and I were still together. My heart wasn't in it anymore - so it just became a routine. But I think I still do remember how good it *can* be. One day, this too will come back (I hope). Women are very different in this department. Can't enjoy it unless you really care for the person. And if you can't enjoy it - then why bother? I've always been a very sensitive, (touchy-feely) person. When I care for someone, it's always a very physical and emotional thing. SHUTUP Norah!! Trouble always follows when I open up too much. > I originally meant that I would lose all respect for myself. I might also stop talking to myself. Don't worry, I interpreted it correctly. Oh - my coffee's ready. Gotta get a cup. Ah - the first sip is the best. > Or a really long e-mail. I'm willing to listen if you ever want to spell it out. Maybe one day I will. I just wouldn't want you to lose respect for me if you find out all the really stupid things I've done. I lost respect for myself at one time -- thank God that's back. When a person's heart and soul are involved, you'd be surprised at what he or she can or would do. > Now I just need to figure out how to rejection-proof my psyche. I don't think you can "rejection-proof" yourself. I've tried. I think you have to just tell yourself - Well, your loss not mine. And it always hurts at first - but it really is their loss. > I wanted to ask your opinion on something… going out with Mormon girls… BE CAREFUL - Guaranteed you won't get anywhere physically, and it may mess up your head. If you do go out with one, stay in touch with me and I'll make sure you stay in touch with the real world. > It's like surrendering. We can't admit that we need someone's help in order to navigate. I just have to get used to it – it’s a guy thing. [matching hair and eye color] Well - sort of. It not really straight, but it's quite long and it is light brown. It used to be down to my waist, but I got fed up and cut about 6 inches off. Now it's at a good length (still long) but looking much, much better. It is a royal pain to wash and dry though. One of the reason's I get up at 5:00 am. It takes a good 30 minutes to dry, and I won't go outside with wet hair anymore. One winter, my hair froze - yuk. > I'm more interested in women from the neck up (face, hair, mind, personality). I know those last two are most important, but I can't ignore looks. My idealism only goes so far. No problem - from the neck up I'm not bad at all. The rest needs a bit of work. Oops - every once in a while, my ex’s personality ghost makes an appearance – on the way I think. He was an amateur body-builder/personal trainer and always in search of perfecting his body along with everyone else’s. No such thing as perfection. This word should be eliminated from the vocabulary. It causes too many problems for people - always striving for something that doesn't exist. However, while I was going through all this crap - I did neglect myself and I'm almost back to normal - whatever normal is. > (Don't get the wrong impression. I'm just clowning around. But you probably already knew that didn't you?) Yup. But you're still human and a male. Looks are what drive most men and women. I've stop caring about that sort of stuff. As long as a person has the right personality and treats me with kindness, love, and respect -- he could be 20, 30, 40 overweight and bald as a cue-ball. I couldn't care less. I did the "looks" route and it didn't work out - so looks are not irrelevant (but it doesn't hurt). > What's Ativan? Obviously Utah ranks almost dead last in alcohol. Ativan is a highly addictive tranquilizer (kind of like valium). I was on it for a while when I couldn't sleep at all. But I was extremely careful. I too have an addictive type of personality - but I maintained control. > Thanksgiving at the parents’ house. Do me a favor - stay there if the weather's bad and whatever you do - DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE. My dad was killed on the road and it's really devastating. I wouldn't want to lose you now. Ontario is getting really tough on Drinking and Driving now. If you get pulled over and don't pass the test - automatic and immediate 3 month suspension and criminal charges. Repeat offenders - 3 years. It's about bloody time!!! Very sensitive topic with me!!! Our Minister of Transportation is implementing this starting Friday. So, he's finally done something worth-while. I have to tell you about this guy. Years ago, Al Palladini[45] used to own a used car dealership, now he's a politician in charge of Transportation for Ontario. Used car salesman - now politician. I guess lawyer is next. Anyway, I can never forget his slogan and it's hard to ever take him seriously. "ANY PALLADINI IS A PAL'O'MINE". I'll always see TACKY USED CAR SALESMAN! > I certainly hope you retaliate in kind every chance you get. (The Rob thing) I just let them think what they want. They're having fun and the work gets done. They know me better than that - boys will be boys! > So did you ever find out what happened with their search for me? I still laugh every time I think about it. I think they gave it up and are looking for something else to bug me with. > I think Rob in Kansas City should have just patched over to you and pretended that you were in the room. That's pretty funny. Great, now you're starting too! The virus is spreading. > Ooh, baby. Don't get me started. Don't forget, you're dealing with repressed raging 23-year-old hormones here (Yeah, whatever...) Too bad you weren't here; I could fix that for you. No, no, no, I didn't say that did I?? > I'm eager with anticipation. (I told you not to get me started. Now look what you've done. I think I need a cold shower or something.) What I've done? You're just as guilty!! > If I don't write for a day or two, I haven't forgotten about you, I'm just away from a terminal. I'll miss you this weekend - Don't feel bad, my mom's coming over on Saturday to inspect my fridge and give me shit for not eating. But I do eat, just not a lot or frequently. This I have to watch because I don't want to get sick, so I'll listen to the lecture and be good. I'm also dragging her out with me on Sunday to help me buy new furniture. I can't stand what I have anymore. It's all crap that my ex and I picked up when we moved back to Toronto. I want new stuff - new life. I'm going to get a black entertainment unit/wall unit, silver/grey/blue couch, and black coffee table. Sounds a bit gloomy, but I like it. Have a good long weekend and Happy US Thanksgiving. I'm looking forward to hearing from you. See ya! Norah ah ah ah (Sorry, couldn't resist) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ⋞- 1 -⋟ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Thu, Nov 28, 1996, 11:52 AM (MST) To: Norah From: Jason Subject: Re: SLEEP?? Well, I went all through this again, and can't really tell what you were worried about. I can't find anything here that would make me think any less of you. > ... lost promotion ... didn't speak up ... I'm not interested in promotions, but I have let many girls slip by for the same reason. I really think my new motto needs to be "what the hell?" (As in what the hell do I have to lose?) If I can stop worrying about looking foolish or getting hurt I'll be a lot better off. Hopefully your good influence in this area will rub off on me a little. > You know, I write you before I go to sleep and when I get up. It's almost like we're living together. Strange... Except that you still have to walk the dogs and shovel the driveway yourself. > What's the point? I usually get up around 5 anyway. I sometimes wish I could wake up early in the morning. If I've been asleep, I can get back inside of a minute, even if I'm almost fully awake. Nights are another matter, and I end up staring at the ceiling in the dark until 1:00 or 2:00 am far more often than I would like. > And if you can't enjoy it - then why bother? I agree. My outlook might totally reverse if I ever actually experience it, but right now I don't think I would want to have a physical relationship with someone I didn't care about a great deal. > I've always been a very sensitive, (touchy-feely) person... Yeah, but you can't be an isolated hermit either. > ... lose respect for me ... stupid things I've done. I used to think that I was open-minded enough to accept anything from anyone without judging them. Then I moved to Orem. I've never been offended in my life until now. Let me give you an example that sticks out in my mind. My uncle works for Gart Bros.[47] If you've never heard of it, it's a sporting goods store. They have a location in Orem, but for years they've been closing on Sunday because it wasn't economical for them to be open. I want stores to be open on Sunday, because I'm at work all through the week and it's sometimes hard to get everything done on Saturday that I need to. Recently, Barnes & Noble[48] moved in fairly close to Gart Bros. The Barnes & Noble is open on Sunday, and people actually started going there. Once other stores in the area saw this, they decided to try being open on Sunday. Gart Bros. did as well and put a sign on their door which read "now open on Sunday, 12-5". My uncle was talking to the manager of the store, and apparently not too long after they did this, a gentleman walked into the store and asked one of the employees if they were really open on Sunday. When he found out that they were, he declared that he would not patronize a store which blatantly ignored God's commands, and promised never to return to Gart Bros. This kind of short-sighted self-righteousness really offends me. We even get elected government officials standing on Capitol Hill quoting scripture to defend some new law that they've passed that outlaws homosexuality or something equally open-minded. Trust me, as long as you don't start preaching to me or telling me what to do just "because God says so", I won't lose respect for you. I even respect many Mormons I know, because they've made a conscious decision to be a member of that religion. They also don't expect me to live my life by their rules. The ones I can't respect are those who think that everybody should bend over backwards just to accommodate them. These are the sort of people that, when asked why they are Mormon, stare at you blankly. You may as well ask them why they have white skin. There just isn't any other way to be. OK, I'll come down off of my soap box now. I really need to get out of this state before I start to get really annoyed. > I don't think you can "rejection-proof" yourself. And it always hurts at first - but it really is their loss. It takes a lot of self-confidence to really believe that. I'm not there yet. I shouldn't prepare myself too much to be rejected, though, or I might come to expect it. [Mormon girls] Actually, I can think of three Mormons or half-Mormon couples I know of who were quite physical before getting married. Like anything else, there are varying degrees of devotion to the religion. There are many zealots, but there are also many who manage to maintain their perspective and realize that it doesn't necessarily make them a bad person. I'm obviously not interested in spending any time with a crusading zealot. > As long as a person has the right personality and treats me with kindness, love, and respect – he could be 20, 30, 40 overweight and bald as a cue-ball. I couldn't care less. I'm glad you made it all the way up to 40 overweight (unless that's kilos). Actually, I managed to lose 30 pounds (about 13.5 kilos) over the summer. My brother, one of our friends and I had a contest to see who could lose a larger percentage of their body weight. I went from 195 to 165. My brother lost the same amount, but started out heavier, so I made 80 bucks off of it. I figure I've got about fifteen more pounds to go. Yes, I am motivated partially by vanity, but I do feel quite a bit better. I need to start working out more as well. I don't really care about looking muscular, but I'm sick of collapsing every time I go mountain biking or try to move furniture. I guess I'm more concerned about my health than anything. The routine of eating fifteen thousand calories a day and sitting on the couch watching TV definitely wasn't good for me. > My dad was killed on the road and it's really devastating. I wouldn't want to lose you now. Ouch, I'm sorry to hear that. Don't worry, my parents don't approve of alcohol, so I won't be drinking anything stronger than Sprite. My dad was raised a Mormon and still believes in a lot of it, even though he doesn't practice it anymore. My mom just plain doesn't like it. Come to think of it, I should have picked up a bottle of wine to take over, just to see how they would have reacted. Too bad the liquor stores are closed today. > Ontario is getting really tough on Drinking and Driving now. Good. Utah has one of the strictest DUI laws in the country. The limit here is 0.08%. There is talk in the legislature about making it .04 or even "not a drop". I'm not sure I agree with that last one. Binacca breath spray shows up on a breathalyzer. I don't mess around with drunk driving. If I can feel a buzz, I won't get behind the wheel of a vehicle. I don't understand how someone could think that they could drive in that condition. > tacky used car salesman turned politician Great. Stories like this are why I'm so disgusted with politics. But if he's actually doing something useful, I guess he's not as bad as many. > … Rob in Kansas City… Great, now you're starting too! The virus is spreading. This must be a guy thing as well. The basic purpose of friends is to have somebody to give endless amounts of shit to, while hopefully receiving the same back. It's not any fun if it's only one-sided. > Too bad you weren't here; I could fix that for you. No, no, no, I didn't say that did I?? I didn't notice who said it. Sounds tempting, though. > What I've done? You're just as guilty!! This is true. I might as well be accountable for my own actions. > Spending most of it communicating with you and enjoying it tremendously. Same here. I would like to know how my engine works, but I don't have the mechanical engineering degree necessary to follow some of these messages. Besides, I've got to leave time to write you another monster message. > I'm going to get a black entertainment unit/wall unit, silver/grey/blue couch and black coffee table. Sounds a bit gloomy, but I like it. Sounds good to me. I still have all of the free hand-me-down furniture that my parents and grandparents donated to me when I moved out. Nothing in my place matches, but it's all fairly comfortable, so I'm not complaining. Well, it sounds like my laundry is almost done so I can get dressed. I'd better get moving. I wanted to use the outside power outlets at my parents' place to vacuum the truck without paying. I also want to use the garage to get some Armor-All[49] on my bed cover. By the time I get all of my shit together and get up there, I'll just have enough time to do that before dinner. Talk to you later. If I end up staying there tonight, I'll log on from my dad's machine to check my mail. So don't think that because I'm over there that it means you can get away with not talking to me, because I'll notice. -- Jason Psi Corps is your friend. Trust Psi Corps. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ⋞- 2 -⋟ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Thu, Nov 28, 1996, 11:56 AM (MST) To: Norah From: Jason Subject: from Kathryn... (fwd) My brother got this from one of his female friends. He forwarded it to me, and I got quite a kick out of it. See what you think. -- Jason Psi Corps is your friend. Trust Psi Corps. A Man's Guide To What A Woman Is Really Saying -------------------------------------------------------- You want = You want We need = I want It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later. We need to talk = I need to complain Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to. I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! You're... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.. I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper... I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white. Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V. Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me. Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.] Yes = No No = No Maybe = No I'm sorry = You'll be sorry. Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it. Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep. I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important. All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocketbooks, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom, and did you bring your checkbook? The answer to "What's wrong?" ----------------------------------- The same old thing = Nothing Nothing = Everything Everything = My PMS is acting up Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam The Woman's Guide to What a Man is Really Saying... ------------------------------------------------------------ "I'm hungry." = I'm hungry. "I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy. "I'm tired." = I'm tired. "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "May I have this dance?" I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage! "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you. "What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this. "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? "What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question. "I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex? "I love you." = Let's have sex now. "I love you, too." = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now! "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before. "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different! "Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me. "Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. (While shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home! "I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = I am gay. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ⋞- 3 -⋟ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Thu, Nov 28, 1996, 06:29 PM (EST) To: Jason From: Norah Subject: Re: SLEEP?? > Well, I went all through this again, and can't really tell what you were worried about. I was a little concerned about this line: >>> Ooh, baby. Don't get me started. Don't forget, you're dealing with repressed raging 23-year-old hormones here. (Yeah, whatever...) >> Too bad you weren't here; I could fix that for you. No, no, no, I didn't say that did I?? > I didn't notice who said it. Sounds tempting, though. The old Norah would never say that, but I didn't want you to think that I was some bimbo, blonde, nympho on the prowl. Because I'm none of them. I just work with too many perverts, and it tends to rub off. (Even if I might have subconsciously meant it.) > I really think my new motto needs to be "what the hell?" (As in what the hell do I have to lose?) Thanks. I've never been labeled a "good influence". And you said that you don't gamble. "What the hell do I have to lose?" is one of the biggest gambles a person can make. It takes courage or just being totally fed up with trying to please the rest of the world instead of yourself. When you think about it - what exactly *do* you have to lose??? Rejection from someone you don't even know?? And if they don't like you - who cares, you probably wouldn't like them either. As long as you like you, the rest of the world can take a flying leap. >> You know, I write you before I go to sleep and when I get up. It's almost like we're living together. Strange... > Except that you still have to walk the dogs and shovel the driveway yourself. As I told you before, the only thing I missed about my ex, was someone to talk to when I came home. Now that I have you to talk to every day - I enjoy coming home to see what you have to say. Don't think that I'm using you because I need someone to talk to, because you couldn't be further from the truth. You've been a great support system for me. I enjoy your opinions and advice. You always make me laugh. Woops, don't want to compliment you too much!!!😁😁😁 > I agree. My outlook might totally reverse if I ever actually experience it, but right now I don't think I would want to have a physical relationship with someone I didn't care about a great deal. You keep surprising me. You mean you're one of the few whose attitude isn't "LOVE 'EM and LEAVE 'EM". Stop - or you'll make me trust again - that would be the biggest mistake I could make again. It takes a long time for me to trust people now and I promise I'll tell you the whole story. I don't let people know that I mistrust - I just watch and analyze and use extreme caution. > Trust me, as long as you don't start preaching to me or telling me what to do just "because God says so", I won't lose respect for you... I would never preach anything to anyone. My mom raised me a little differently. She was and still is a very strong Christian but extremely open-minded. She taught me to accept everyone for who they are as it's not my job to judge anyone. And don't let anyone judge you either. My mom is one of the coolest people I know. We used to have arguments over music. One of her favorite songs is Zeppelin’s[50] "Stairway to Heaven". She doesn't like rock 'n roll but because she likes this song - it's not rock. She also likes Pink Floyd and the Moody Blues[51]. She thinks some of Cheech & Chong’s[52] stuff is a riot, except for anything to do with drugs. She couldn't care less if a person was gay or not - she says it's their business, not hers. As long as you don't hurt anyone and your heart is good, that's all that matters. Mind you, she's been hurt a lot more in life than I have. How she's survived still amazes me. > OK, I'll come down off of my soap box now. I really need to get out of this state before I start to get really annoyed. I told you, if you ever want to come here for a visit, vacation or just get away, feel free. Remember, you know someone here now and I like to show Toronto off. No matter how many times I've moved away, I always come back. [rejection] > It takes a lot of self-confidence to really believe that. I'm not there yet. I shouldn't prepare myself too much to be rejected, though, or I might come to expect it. What is there to believe?? It's the truth. Rejection is never about you, it's usually their problem. Wow, I would have never said that 3 months ago!!! >> As long as a person has the right personality and treats me with kindness, love, and respect -- he could be 20, 30, 40 overweight and bald as a cue-ball. I couldn't care less... > I'm glad you made it all the way up to 40 overweight (unless that's kilos)... I didn't phrase it correctly. My brain moves faster that I can type. What I meant was that age, weight and amount of hair doesn't mean anything, even though it does to most people. My problem is that I don't look, act, or think my age. I had a fantastic ego boost yesterday. When I went to get gas, the kid pumping the gas (and I do mean kid - about 17), says to me - you're really pretty, you remind me of my sister-in-law. Then he wanted to offer me half of his dinner. Of course, I told him no thanks, but it sure made me feel good. What amazes me, is that my looks really haven't changed. It's just my attitude. People that never talked to me before, are coming into the computer room or calling me just to say hello. One of the people I work with says it's because I'm so happy now, that they just naturally migrate my way, as it makes them feel happy too. > I don't mess around with drunk driving. If I can feel a buzz, I won't get behind the wheel of a vehicle. I don't understand how someone could think that they could drive in that condition. Good, I've never had more than one drink and driven. Even then, I worry about hurting my truck (my baby). Mind you, I've had a few close calls, coming home from work when I worked midnights (the vampire shift). Once I was behind a bus that was stopped, and I closed my eyes for a second and my foot slipped off of the brake. I think I stopped a hair away. Scared me shitless. Driving tired may be just as bad. I'm so grateful that I don't work nights anymore. I always hated sleeping during the day as I felt that I was missing out on so much. Speaking of my baby... We had a wicked storm today. I don't know exactly what was coming down, but it wasn't normal. When I left this afternoon, there were these huge icicles hanging all over the grill of the truck. It looked like fangs. She looked mean and I didn't like it. My baby isn't mean... just slick. > Besides, I've got to leave time to write you another monster message. Great, can't wait to hear from you. I hope it didn't bother you that I called today. I got worried because I couldn't remember what I wrote. > Well, it sounds like my laundry is almost done so I can get dressed. Ooooh, writing me and not being dressed -- hmmmmm. > Armor-All on my bed cover. I'd like to do that to mine as well, but it sounds like too much work - wanna do mine???🤣🤣🤣 > If I end up staying there tonight, I'll log on from my dad's machine to check my mail. So don't think that because I'm over there that it means you can get away with not talking to me, because I'll notice. You're sweet. Don't worry, I would have written anyway and just waited for your reply. I think I may cook tonight. I have a craving for Hungarian goulash. I'm from Hungarian descent and love to cook. Now I just have to figure out how to make it for one. My grandmother was a gourmet chef/baker and taught me all her old-world secrets before she passed away. She knew she was sick and asked me to take a few months off of work so she could pass down all she knew. It was the best time that I had ever spent with her. It's just too bad that she had to wait so long for us to get to know each other. Never mind - I'm sounding gloomy even though I'm not, because the memories are very special. Anyway, I'll say 'bye for now and wait to hear from you. Norah. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ⋞- 4 -⋟ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Thu, Nov 28, 1996, 06:31 PM (EST) To: Jason From: Norah Subject: Re: from Kathryn... (fwd) [your brother's jokes] Very good, but a little sexist??? I've got a few of this kind lying around, if I find them, I'll send them over. Norah - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ⋞- 5 -⋟ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Thu, Nov 28, 1996, 11:00 PM (MST) To: Norah From: Jason Subject: Re: SLEEP?? [23 year old with raging hormones] That's all right. I was asking for it. 🙂 > The old Norah would never say that, but I didn't want you to think that I was some bimbo, blonde, nympho on the prowl. I can't deal with blonde bimbos. If I thought that you were any of that, I wouldn't have talked to you for this long. > "What the hell do I have to lose?" is one of the biggest gambles a person can make. Well, I don't gamble with money. I guess I'm too tightfisted to flush coins into a machine. Some of my relatives can actually win hundreds or thousands of dollars on slot machines in Wendover or Vegas. The machines don't like me at all. I've never got more than 10% of my money back. Of course, I usually stop after about ten dollars. Well, now that my mind is convinced, all I need to do is convince my feet to walk over and my voice to work and say something intelligent to a girl. > Woops, don't want to compliment you too much!!! 😁😁😁 I guess I never should have said anything about that. I could have just sat back and basked in it. I've really enjoyed talking to you as well. It's been a huge confidence boost to me to find an intelligent woman who finds me interesting. Thanks. > I just watch and analyze and use extreme caution. It's good to be cautious, I suppose. Just don't go to the extreme and become suspicious of everybody. The thing that worries me is that once I do have a physical relationship and figure out what I've been missing out on, my attitude might become just like other guys. I hope not. I don't think it will. I've surprised myself before, though. > I would never preach anything to anyone. My mom raised me a little differently. She was and still is a very strong Christian but extremely open-minded... Good. My parents are pretty puritanical. My dad is a right-wing arch conservative who thinks Rush Limbaugh is the "last great American". He means well and I've learned a hell of a lot from him. He's also where I got my sense of humor. But he really drives me crazy when he starts talking about blacks, gays, Democrats or even women. I think he does it just to get a reaction from us, but it's sometimes hard to tell. > I told you, if you ever want to come here for a visit, vacation or just get away, feel free. I might just take you up on that. I want to wait until at least after Christmas to see what my money situation is like, though. > What is there to believe?? It's the truth. Rejection is never about you, it's usually their problem. Wow, I would have never said that 3 months ago!!! There's a huge difference between knowing something intellectually and believing it emotionally. This difference confused me until recently. My brother works in a lab with cell cultures. A little while after he started, he had one culture destroyed by bacteria. He said he never really believed in bacteria until they ruined one of his experiments. Now he follows sterile procedures to the letter. Strangely enough, this was what brought the difference between knowledge and belief into focus for me. I know that being turned down is her loss, but do I really believe it? I would like to. > I had a fantastic ego boost yesterday. Man, what is it with you and the younger guys? This isn't becoming a trend, is it? 🙂 Maybe that's why nobody ever talks to me because I glare at them daring them to open their mouths and say something stupid. And I thought it was just because they didn't know me from church. Speaking of stupid people, do you get the comic strip Dilbert up there? This week has been hilarious, especially today. If not, I have the address for the web site written down someplace at home. [driving tired] I'll admit, I have caught myself driving when I was probably too tired to be there. It's pretty scary. That's actually why I decided to stay at my parents tonight. The weather isn't very bad, but the turkey dinner is putting me to sleep. > We had a wicked storm today. I don't know exactly what was coming down, but it wasn't normal. Reminds me of the weird clay rain we had down here last summer while I still had my Neon. The stuff turned to glue when water hit it and wouldn't rinse off. That wasn't nearly as bad as when I parked it in the sprinklers at work and got hard water spots on it. I'm pretty sure there's still some residue left from those. We even tried acetone on the windshield, and it still didn't work. I think it's from all the pollution put out by local steel company. I don't get stuff like that in Salt Lake. > I hope it didn't bother you that I called today. I got worried because I couldn't remember what I wrote. No, just kind of surprised me. I was still trying to get going, as I told you. I had been riding my exercise bike (for the first time in about two weeks), so I have some excuse. It's not like I had just been sitting on my couch from 6:00 am until you called. > Ooooh, writing me and not being dressed -- hmmmmm. Well, I was wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt. I don't wander around my place naked. Much. I guess sweats have good potential for cuddling (I really like that, but I hate the sound of the word. Too cutesy.) Wow, I see what you mean about sending e-mail when you're not fully awake. I'll leave that in there just to prove you're not the only one who does that. > Armor-All on my bed cover - wanna do mine???🤣🤣🤣 Sure. It's not any more work than washing it by hand. Just rub that stuff all over it, and it does the rest. > You're sweet. Don't worry, I would have written anyway and just waited for your reply. Yeah, but I know how you get when you don't have any e-mail to read. I have to give you something to do to keep you out of trouble :-). > I think I may cook tonight Wow, ambition. After seeing what my mom put together tonight, I feel like more of a slacker than ever. I hate cooking, though. It takes me way too long and it never comes out right. If eating weren't absolutely necessary to survive, I wouldn't ever eat except for social occasions. Especially not what passes for my own cooking. > Anyway, I'll say 'bye for now and wait to hear from you. Wait no longer. > your brother’s jokes… Very good, but a little sexist??? I was thinking more along the lines of "a lot sexist". It goes both ways though, so it's all right with me. Great. I just realized that I'm starting to wake up. I had better get to bed before the turkey sedative wears off. Talk to you tomorrow. Don't work too hard. -- Jason Psi Corps is your friend. Trust Psi Corps. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ⋞- 6 -⋟ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Fri, Nov 29, 1996, 04:29 AM (EST) To: Jason From: Norah Subject: SLEEP - a true mystery > I can't deal with blonde bimbos. If I thought that you were any of that, I wouldn't have talked to you for this long. Good. I reverted to my old personality for a brief moment and was concerned about what you thought of me. I guess it's because you're so nice, I didn't want to ruin the great conversations we've been having. Don't ask - I slept for about 3 hours and now I'm up. I'm sitting at my desk, in the dark, writing you. My biggest problem lately is actually going to bed to sleep. I keep falling asleep in the living room on the couch. I have to force myself to go to the bedroom and watch TV from there, till I fall asleep. I'll analyze the shit out of this till I figure it out. > I've really enjoyed talking to you as well. It's been a huge confidence boost to me to find an intelligent woman who finds me interesting. You are interesting, and me – intelligent? Thanks. That means a lot. A lot of men tend to think of women as stupid, don't know how to drive, spend too much money shopping, etc. etc. etc. I haven't been able to talk to someone like this in a long time. Wait a minute... I don't think I've ever talked like this to a man before. You know more about me than people I've known for years. > It's good to be cautious, I suppose. Just don't go to the extreme and become suspicious of everybody. Trust me, it's better that I am. I may seem strong and confident, but I don't think I could go through another major hurt right now or ever. I'm still gluing all the pieces of my heart back together. Even though the heart heals -- it never forgets. Well, at least I don't. > The thing that worries me is that once I do have a physical relationship and figure out what I've been missing out on, my attitude might become just like other guys. I hope not. I don't think it will. I've surprised myself before, though. I don't think you will. You seem to have a great deal of respect and your basic personality would have to go through a pretty massive change in order to start the ONE NIGHT STAND shit. > … Toronto visit… I might just take you up on that. I want to wait until at least after Christmas to see what my money situation is like, though. It would be fun. Believe it or not, I'd even let you drive my Dakota! There have only been 3 people that I've ever let sit behind the wheel of my baby. My ex - and it would piss me off the way he drove it. He had absolutely no respect for her. Mick from work, another truck fanatic whom I trust implicitly with her and Tony from work, who had to drive the Dak and me home one night after far too many drinks at a company function. Oh shit, this reminds me, I'm supposed to make an appearance at a party on Saturday night. It's all people from work, but I see these people all week. I really don't feel like driving downtown to this thing. It may also be that I don't want them to see me alone in a social setting when everyone else is with their significant other. I know it's stupid, but that's just the way it is. I would really like to meet you in person, but my old insecurities are creeping in. I worry that you might not like me anymore after you meet me. You have to bear with me. This shit comes from years of associating with the wrong people and I'm still relatively new to this self-confidence thing. > Man, what is it with you and the younger guys? This isn't becoming a trend, is it? 🙂 I don't think it's a trend. My ex was 5 years younger than me. I told you, I don't look, act, or think my age. It makes it a bit difficult because I have trouble relating to people my own age. I don't consciously go out looking for teenagers... PLEASE!!!! (Mind you, I've heard that guys are in their sexual peak around then, and women hit it in their thirties. Isn't that a cruel joke on humanity?) > Speaking of stupid people, do you get the comic strip Dilbert up there? Sounds familiar but I can't say that I've seen it. Even though the paper comes here every day, you take up all my spare time, so I don't read it much anymore. Don't worry -- this is a good thing! > I'll admit, I have caught myself driving when I was probably too tired to be there. It's pretty scary. That's actually why I decided to stay at my parents tonight. The weather isn't very bad, but the turkey dinner is putting me to sleep. I can't remember off hand what it's called, but there's a chemical in turkey that's a natural sedative. Ah wait - Serotonin I think, but I may be wrong. > Well, I was wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt. I don't wander around my place naked. Much. Too bad! It was a nice fantasy while it lasted. > I guess sweats have good potential for cuddling (I really like that, but I hate the sound of the word. Too cutesy.) Cuddling is cool - but the word *is* too cutesy. Have to come up with a word to replace it. Oh, oh - a new project. > Wow, I see what you mean about sending e-mail when you're not fully awake. I'll leave that in there just to prove you're not the only one who does that. Good. Now I feel better! > Armor All on your truck... Sure. It's not any more work than washing it by hand. Just rub that stuff all over it, and it does the rest. I don't wash mine by hand except occasionally in the summer. I go through a special "Touchless car-wash". They do a great job and zero scratches. Mind you it costs about $10. > Yeah, but I know how you get when you don't have any e-mail to read. I have to give you something to do to keep you out of trouble :-). Yeah, yeah. Admit it... you like to hear from me as much as I do from you. Who would've guessed that my joining the Dakota Mailing List, I could meet a friend like you? I only joined it to learn more about my truck and then Jason came along... and the saga continues... [cooking] Cooking is only fun when there's someone else to enjoy it. You tend never to really enjoy eating your own cooking as much. Friday is here -- YEAH!!! Every Friday is casual day at work. Get to wear jeans and a T-shirt. JOY!! I'm much more productive this way. When I'm dressed conservatively, I seem to drive conservatively. Monday to Thursday, I'll be polite and let people cut me off, stop and let people in, etc. But on Friday - look out!!! I drive faster, yell a lot - "GET OUT OF MY WAY YOU FUCKING JERK!" This is the passing lane - move it over!!! Not quite that bad, but definitely more aggressive. Today is also the day I move to my new cubby-hole. At least I get a desk and a phone, and I won't feel homeless anymore. My manager will order my new business cards. He's also nagging me to take some of my vacation time. I still have 5 1/2 days left from '96 and 3 weeks and 3 days for '97. I'm going to transfer my leftovers to next year. I'm not one to take vacation time unless I have someplace to go or something to do. OH NO! I won't be in the computer room anymore. This was my safety zone. Now the radio will have to be down low, watch my language, and have to talk politically correct all the time. This will be a big change for me. In the Computer Room (Operations or OPS), we always had CD's blaring and good times. It's the only way to get through the pressure. And believe me it is high pressure. Too many systems, not enough people, too many different projects being implemented at once, all systems talking to each other all the time. One goes down, all seven get screwed up. But never mind, I'll just sign up for the next "Stress Management" course. I have to admit, the company really does look after their employees. I got my PC through work, and they paid for all the software. I took a First Aid/CPR course at work, and most recently took a self-defense course. How many times can you get the opportunity to legally beat the crap out an RCMP officer. Everyone said I enjoyed it far too much. I should see if I can sleep a bit more, so I'll talk to you later. Norah - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ⋞- 7 -⋟ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Fri, Nov 29, 1996, 11:56 AM (EST) To: Jason From: Norah Subject: Hi! Jason, Jason, Jason, You've disappointed me! I had to come home at lunch to let the dogs out and I couldn't resist dialing in to see if you wrote me. I guess I have to go back to work let down!!!!! I know you're probably sleeping late as you don't have to work. So, I guess you'll just have to make it up to me tonight by writing more than usual. Unless of course you have plans for the weekend. <boo hoo, sob, sob, sniffle, sniffle>. Don't mind me, but I've had very little sleep and this morning has been very, very strange. Everyone at work is in a warped mood (more so than usual). I have a couple of great .BMP files that I think you would really like. Let me know if you want me to send them to you -- they are spacey!! Well, I guess I'll go back now. See ya, Norah - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ⋞- 8 -⋟ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Fri, Nov 29, 1996, 02:15 PM (MST) To: Norah From: Jason Subject: Re: SLEEP - a true mystery > You've disappointed me! I had to come home at lunch to let the dogs out and I couldn't resist dialing in to see if you wrote me. I guess I have to go back to work let down!!!!! I'm sorry! I feel so guilty now. > I know you're probably sleeping late as you don't have to work. So, I guess you'll just have to make it up to me tonight by writing more than usual. I got up around 7:00, which is pretty early for me on a non-workday. I've got my cat over here, and he started doing a tap dance on my head around 5:00 trying to tell me he thought it was time for breakfast. I ignored him as long as I could. Since then, I helped shovel the driveway, took my Dakota for a drive to see how it handled the snow, and have been watching football. Pretty weak excuse, isn't it? The truck handles pretty well. We didn't get more than about three inches, but it's enough to lose traction. I always take new vehicles out into an empty snow-covered parking lot the first chance I get so I can see how they're going to react before I get into an unpleasant situation. In 2 wheel drive, it handles about like I had expected. 4 wheel drive tightens it up quite a bit, but I still managed to break the front wheels loose. It goes in a straight line like I had hoped. During college I drove my grandma’s hand-me-down Buick[53], and that thing handled like a hockey puck. Once it lost traction all you could do was hold on and yell a lot. > I have a couple of great .BMP files that I think you would really like. Let me know if you want me to send them to you -- they are spacey!! Spacey? Sounds good to me. Uuencode is probably the easiest for me to deal with. > Don't ask - I slept for about 3 hours and now I'm up. Amazing. It seems that if I actually get ready for bed, I can't sleep. If I lie down still fully dressed with the lights on, I'm gone until about 2:00 in the morning. At that point, I usually end up thinking "I guess I'd better get up and go to bed." I'm not terribly coherent at that point. > You are interesting, and me – intelligent? Thanks. That means a lot. Most men tend to think of women as stupid, don't know how to drive, spends too much money shopping, etc. I've certainly met women who live up to one or more of those stereotypes. From talking to you and what you've told me about what you do for a living, I know you're pretty smart. I haven't seen you drive or been to the mall with you, so I can't say about those other two. When you say you've never talked like this to a man before, I hope you're excluding your husband. Didn't you get to where you at least thought you knew him before you married him? I don't mean to sound critical, I'm just a little surprised if you didn't. Oh, and thank you (again). Trust is very important to me, and I'm glad that you can trust me enough to open up to me. > I may seem strong and confident, but I don't think I could go through another major hurt right now or ever. I'm still gluing all the pieces of my heart back together. Even though the heart heals – it never forgets. Well, at least I don't. I know a little about that. The last girlfriend I had was about five years ago. Even though we only went out for a month, I was pretty much of a basket case over her. When she broke it off, it took me a hell of a long time to get over it. I used to think that I could continue to be friends with someone after something like that, but I couldn't do it. The thing is, looking back on it now, we didn't have anything in common but physical attraction. I think it was more the idea of being in love that got to me. I so much wanted to have someone in my life that when I found a girl who was willing to go out with me, I let myself get carried away. I'm going to be careful not to make that mistake again. I wish someone had told me then that I shouldn't try to force anything, but just let it happen. > I don't think you will. You seem to have a great deal of respect and your basic personality would have to go through a pretty massive change in order to start the ONE NIGHT STAND shit. No, I'm not into that. I don't think having another person around would make it any less lonely if there were no emotions there. > Believe it or not, I'd even let you drive my Dakota! Wow, to be trusted with the Dakota. You sound like me. Nobody drives my truck but me. Not for very long, anyway. Believe me, I know all about company parties. I went to our summer party, and everybody not only had their spouses (spice?) there, but all of their kids as well. There are three programmers who aren't attached, so we usually end up talking with each other about computers, 80s video games or work. They have the Christmas party coming up in a couple of weeks. I'm not even sure I'm going to that one. I hate going to these things by myself. > I would really like to meet you in person, but my old insecurities are creeping in. Well, we can be insecure together, I suppose. Actually, face-to-face meetings generally make me much less nervous than talking on the telephone. If I can survive that, I'll be fine. I can't figure out why I don't like the phone. I would almost rather drive over to someone's house and talk to them in person, at least until I get to know them better. > I've heard that guys are in their sexual peak around then, and women hit it in their thirties. Isn't that a cruel joke on humanity? Especially since women seem to mature faster than men do. I guess you could argue that some men never really mature, though. As you know, I don't seem to be my real age either. Maybe we should just meet in the middle and tell people that we're both "about 30". [Dilbert] If you work in any technology-related field, you should read this comic strip. It's amazing how well he has the business world, and specifically technology, figured out. > I can't remember off hand what it's called, but there's a chemical in turkey that's a natural sedative. Ah wait Serotonin I think, but I may be wrong. The local news ran out of things to talk about yesterday, so they ran a piece about it. Apparently the tryptophan in turkey triggers the release of serotonin in the brain, which puts you to sleep. The reason I remember that is because I thought that was what Prozac was supposed to do. >> I don't wander around my place naked. Much. > Too bad! It was a nice fantasy while it lasted. Well, I guess the great thing about fantasies is that they don't necessarily need to have any basis in reality. > … cuddling… but the word *is* too cutesy. Have to come up with a word to replace it. The only think I can think of is "snuggle", and that's worse. The dictionary lists two synonyms of "cuddle": "nestle" and "fondle". That's really inappropriate. > Touchless car-wash" They do a great job and zero scratches. Mind you it costs about $10. Yikes. During winter, I use the coin-op spray wand that you operate by hand (essentially a high-pressure hose that supplies either soapy or clean water). Usually costs about $3. > Yeah, yeah. Admit it... you like to hear from me as much as I do from you. I'm sure glad you knew Babylon 5 well enough to pick up on my signature. > Cooking is only fun when there's someone else to enjoy it. You tend never to really enjoy eating your own cooking as much. Takes all the fun out of eating, I think. Of course, eating alone isn't much fun to begin with. > Every Friday is casual day at work. Get to wear jeans and a T-shirt. We get casual day on Friday as well. I've never noticed that what I was wearing affected my mood, though. Unless I have a new pair of hiking boots or something, then I walk around looking for somebody's guts to stomp out. > … my vacation time. I still have 5 1/2 days left from '96 and 3 weeks and 3 days for '97. I know the feeling. I have taken days off before so I could catch up on all of my chores, though. > … new cubicle… I'll just sign up for the next "Stress Management" course. They'll make a respectable executive out of you yet. [company courses] And I thought I had a good benefits package. I can't complain, though. I got three raises in the space of six months that I didn't ask for. My salary has gone up almost 30% since May. Can't complain about the company, but I wish I was working on something more interesting. > I should see if I can sleep a bit more, so I'll talk to you later. Actually, I should clear my parents' phone line. They actually get calls, and people who would call them wouldn't try my cell phone if they get a busy signal. I don't worry about it at home, but I forgot about that here. Until later... -- Jason Psi Corps is your friend. Trust Psi Corps. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ⋞- 9 -⋟ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Fri, Nov 29, 1996, 06:08 PM (EST) To: Jason From: Norah Subject: HOME - AH YES!! Are you at home or still at your parent's house?? What are your plans for the weekend?? > I've got my cat over here, and he started doing a tap dance on my head around 5:00 trying to tell me he thought it was time for breakfast. You got pets - you got no sleep!! Hard fast rule. And yes it is a weak excuse for not writing me. (Just kidding). > During college I drove my grandma’s hand-me-down Buick, and that thing handled like a hockey puck. Once it lost traction all you could do was hold on and yell a lot. My LeMans used to be like that. It was a true nightmare. The truck handles much better, but I'm still careful when the roads are slick. We are going to have freezing rain tomorrow - I just can't wait. >> ...BMP files that I think you would really like. > Spacey? Sounds good to me. Here they come! I threw in the aquarium in case you needed relaxation or want to bug Pierre. > Amazing. It seems that if I actually get ready for bed, I can't sleep. If we have anything else in common I'll think I'm talking to myself. > I haven't seen you drive or been to the mall with you, so I can't say about those other two. I'm a pretty good driver I have to admit. My major weaknesses are patience and parking. I still have trouble parallel parking the truck. I just don't make the time to work on it as I rarely ever need it. If you can drive in Toronto, you can drive almost anywhere. As for shopping - I hate it. I just want to know where it is, get it and get out. > When you say you've never talked like this to a man before, I hope you're excluding your husband. This guy was one of the smoothest, slickest liars I've ever met. I'll try and tell you the story tonight, but I'll need a few drinks to do it. I thought I knew him, but I was either incredibly stupid/blind or he was just that good at bull-shitting. I hope it's mostly the latter. > Trust is very important to me, and I'm glad that you can trust me enough to open up to me. I don't understand it, but I feel comfortable talking to you. I don't usually open up, especially to people that I haven't even met. > … looking back on it now, we didn't have anything in common but physical attraction. I think it was more the idea of being in love that got to me. I think most people love the idea of being in love. No one wants to be alone.... it's the FEAR FACTOR. > I so much wanted to have someone in my life that when I found a girl who was willing to go out with me, Willing??? Bad choice of words. That makes it sound like it was a chore to go out with you. I seriously doubt it. > I let myself get carried away. I'm going to be careful not to make that mistake again. I wish someone had told me then that I shouldn't try to force anything, but just let it happen. That's fine, but some women split because the guy takes too long to commit. I think both have to get over the FEAR FACTOR relatively at the same time. It's just too hard to predict. Relationships are just too complicated as there are too many games. When to do what, when to say what, what did he/she really mean by that... >> ONE NIGHT STAND shit. > No, I'm not into that. I don't think having another person around would make it any less lonely if there were no emotions there. That's definitely the truth. > Wow, to be trusted with the Dakota. The only reason that I would trust you with it, is because you have one too and I hear how you talk about it. [company parties] No, I think I'm going to bow out gracefully from this party. I'm just not into it this weekend. Wouldn't want to miss any time talking to you! > I can't figure out why I don't like the phone. Well, I finally found something we don't have in common. I'm a nervous wreck in person and I think I do really well on the phone. > They'll make a respectable executive out of you yet. I've always had a problem speaking in public, but this new position is forcing me to get over it. I have to attend so many meetings and listen to so much political crap. But I have to get over it so that I can look out for the best interests of the Computer Room and maintaining our current service levels. OH MY GOD! Did I say that? > Maybe we should just meet in the middle and tell people that we're both "about 30". Sounds like a plan! Nobody ever believes me anyway. I get sick of having to prove it by showing my driver’s license. [Dilbert] I'll try to find it this weekend. > Well, I guess the great thing about fantasies is that they don't necessarily need to have any basis in reality. Reality? That's reserved for business hours only. I don't want reality when I go home. Do you?? > The dictionary lists two synonyms of "cuddle": "nestle" and "fondle". That's really inappropriate. The Oxford Dictionary lists: Hug; embrace; fondle; lie close & snug; nestle together; curl oneself up. How about "romantically entwined"?? > I'm sure glad you knew Babylon 5 well enough to pick up on my signature. Me too! > I know the feeling. I have taken days off before so I could catch up on all of my chores, though. I took two weeks off to move and unpack - believe it or not - I haven’t' finished unpacking everything. I just can't seem to force myself to make time. I'm sure my mother will be pushing me tomorrow though. BTW, my mom wants me to thank-you for her. She says since I've been communicating with you, I've changed even more. Her words: "It's about time you started associating with people that have a brain and can carry a conversation." Don't worry - I haven't really said much to her, but I had a vision of you and your brother hovering over the PC chuckling about my mail. It was just a fleeting thought because I don't think you're like that. > I got three raises in the space of six months that I didn't ask for. My salary has gone up almost 30% since May. Three raises - not bad. I only got two this year. My annual and the promotion. I have to let you go, so I can get some food. I forgot to eat today, and I feel a massive headache coming. I want to catch it before it develops into something nasty. Write me back and let me know if you’re going to be home tonight. Talk to you soon, Norah - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ⋞- 10 -⋟ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Fri, Nov 29, 1996, 09:04 PM (EST) To: Jason From: Norah Subject: Poem Jason, You remember I told you about my other dog that I had to put down? I also like to write a lot and especially when I'm depressed. Below is a poem I wrote dedicated to Hector’s memory. I wanted to share this with you because you like dogs/cats too. I still miss him. TO A LOYAL COMPANION Through all of your life, by my side you would stand. In good times and bad, you were always at hand. I can see the pain in your cloud-filled eyes, With a last hug and kiss, say our final good-byes. Now all of your years are coming to an end. And you to heaven, I must reluctantly send. With love and compassion, my strength is put to test. For today I must lay "Man's Best Friend" to rest. Hector - May 21/84 to April 15/96. I know it's not the best writing, but it came from my heart. I usually only write (other than email) when I'm hurting or depressed. This one I can share, but the others -- no way. I have a novel that I started, but I haven't touched it in a few years. I just can't get into it anymore. Same with painting. You have to be in a specific frame of mind to do it. Maybe one day I'll try again. I've been trying to keep my promise to write you regarding my relationship with my ex, but I've been putting it off. I don't know if tonight's the right night for me to start thinking back. Maybe tomorrow. I'm starting to sound a little down and I'm not sure why, so I think I may just go to bed. I don't want to bring you down or let you see this side of me. Remember, I said weekends were rough!! Norah - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ⋞- 11 -⋟ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Sat, Nov 30, 1996, 07:15 AM (EST) To: Jason From: Norah Subject: The Story Hi Jason, This will be the 'Reader's Digest condensed version' as I don't want to stay in this environment for long. Here goes nothing. I’ve been married for 5 years, and we lived together for 2 years before that. The relationship was bad from day one, but due to my lack of self-esteem and confidence, we stayed together and developed a co-dependent relationship. He was toxic to me and systematically made me more insecure. The only place where I felt confident and all-together was at work. He could never hold a job for long and lived off of me for years. I recently found out that the only reason why he married me was for financial security and companionship and that he hoped that love would come later. I also found out much later, that he was sleeping with my 15-year old half-sister, before and after our wedding. My sister told me to my face, that I was never considered part of the family anyway. As if that makes it ok to sleep with married men. I found out much later that she tried the same thing with our cousin’s husband as well. Some women only feel good about themselves if they can steal another woman’s man. She even told the family, that she was raped by my ex, that I knew about it, and did nothing. She tells her kids and the family that I’m evil. What a joke. I think she must have been describing herself. That’s ok, Karma is a bitch and doesn’t take hostages. She and others will be paid back for their actions in time. Never by me, but God/the Universe likes balance and always gives people exactly what they deserve in time. I wouldn’t want to be in her shoes. This is why I don’t trust most women. I had a high school friend, who was exactly the same way. If she heard that you found someone that you thought was cute or interesting, she made it her mission to sleep with him and then rub it in your face. Yeah… I don’t have a lot of female friends. I trust male friendships more. I’m not saying all women are like that, but many that have crossed my path in life have not been trustworthy, but instead they were fake friendships. I don’t do fake. I never lie. I’m basically too lazy for lies. Way too much to memorize. I prefer to just open my mouth and the truth falls out whether you like it or not. I feel bad for men, trying to weed through so many shallow, materialistic, selfish, manipulative women in the world. But I also feel sorry for so many women who can’t find a decent guy. You’re the first single man that I’ve met that isn’t just looking for a good time or some way to benefit himself with no regard for a woman’s feelings or well-being. I blame society and childhood brainwashing from parents. I know that I was lucky in the fact that I grew up alone and didn’t spend enough time with my mother to brainwash me into what a woman is supposed to be. Yup, I never thought I was lucky until I look back at it now. The funny thing about all this is that while my mom was pregnant with me, she pray a lot to have a child that was smart and strong. Yeah, she got her wish, I ended up pretty strong in some respects, and ended up with an I.Q. of 165. She really hates the fact that I’m smarter than she is. It’s the old saying, be careful what you wish or pray for. Don’t get me wrong, my mother is kind and sweet, but she has major issues with me. I don’t listen to her, I do my own thing, and I don’t care what family thinks of me. Boy, this is harder to tell than I thought it would be. About a year ago he started seeing another woman from his job. I always had a feeling that he was seeing someone, but I was in denial. In September, he went to work and never came back. He moved in with her and I’ve never heard from him since. This did even more damage to my already fragile self-esteem. I was always under the impression that men left their wives for something better. This led me to believe I had to have been worse than her. After therapy, I realized that this couldn’t be further from the truth. I thought that I was fully recovered and stronger than ever, but every once in a while, I have a relapse of insecurity and pain. I did learn that it wasn’t me with the problem, but him. He was a body-builder and fitness instructor with a brain of a 10 year old. Him leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me, as I realized that I was never happy while we were together. I never knew how much fun being single is - except that it can get lonely at times. The pain that I felt wasn't that of a "Lost Love" but more "Emotional/Psychological Rape". I felt cheap, used, and humiliated. He always made me believe that I just couldn't do any better. Otherwise, I probably would have left him. I was just too afraid of being alone. My ex was better than nothing. Geez, sounds so nauseating now. I can’t believe I’m telling you all of this. But because I am such an honest person, I feel it necessary for you to know the truth about me. You have been so easy to talk to and not judgmental. I really love talking to you. I guess it made me a bit of a "Clinger" and I hope that I didn’t drive you crazy with all my chatter. You have a very therapeutic, sexy voice and it was hard for me to stop talking to you. I hope that by telling you all of this, it hasn’t lessened your opinion of me, which I'm sure that it has. It’s just that I’m too damned honest for my own good. So, did I completely turn you off?? This didn’t destroy the friendship that we've developed, did it??? You still want to talk to someone that could mess up so easily?? If so, write me, because I won’t write you again as I’m a little embarrassed by everything that I’ve told you. If you don’t write, I’ll understand and just know that I really enjoyed all of our conversations. Your friend always, Norah - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ⋞- 12 -⋟ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Sat, Nov 30, 1996, 09:40 AM (MST) To: Norah From: Jason Subject: Re: The Story Hey Norah, This is a quick note to let you know that I just got your messages. I'm working on replies, but in case you check your mail between now and then I wanted you to know that I don't think any less of you for anything you've told me. You're only human, and I can't judge you for any of what you told me. Especially since I could see myself doing something just as dumb given the right set of circumstances. Anyway, I'll try to elaborate in just a little while. Until then... -- Jason Psi Corps is your friend. Trust Psi Corps. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ⋞- 13 -⋟ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Sat, Nov 30, 1996, 11:16 AM (MST) To: Norah From: Jason Subject: Re: HOME - AH YES!! > Are you at home or still at your parent's house?? What are your plans for the weekend?? I stayed there through dinner last night. Then I went over to my friend Nick's place and met up with another friend Mark and my brother. I finally got fed up with trying to identify everybody, so I'm just going to use names. Nick is my best friend from college who I was telling you about earlier. At any rate, I didn't get home until about 2:30, and by the time I had all of my shit put away it was 3:00. I was going to check my mail, but I had turned my heat down while I was away, and it was too cold for the computer to turn on. So, I just went to bed. > You got pets - you got no sleep!! Hard fast rule. And yes it is a weak excuse for not writing me. (Just kidding). At least I don't have kids. I occasionally hear the one next door through the walls, and that's more than enough screaming for me. Actually, Pierre was pretty good this morning. He let me sleep in until 9:00. It was probably because he was so worked up over the drive back down. He doesn't travel very well. > My LeMans used to be like that. It was a true nightmare. The truck handles much better, but I'm still careful when the roads are slick. We are going to have freezing rain tomorrow. Oh, goody. I'm going to go get some bags of sand or salt to put in my bed. Have you done this? If so, how much did you have to add and how much of a difference did it make? > … pictures… Here they come! These actually came right through on my ISP. I'm pretty impressed. I think they'll choke our system at work. It will be interesting to see. BTW, the aquarium and earth came through all right (that earth pic is really neat), but the other one was just a stock background that comes with Windows. Did you mean to send through something different?
> I'm a pretty good driver I have to admit. My major weaknesses are patience and parking… As for shopping - I hate it. I just want to know where it is, get it and get out. Gee, and you're so humble, even if you do say so yourself :-). (Don't worry, I'm pretty sure I understand where that first sentence came from.) I usually use the tactical strike method of shopping myself, if it's a store that I hate (which includes the mall). The less I like a store, the faster I move. I almost run through Wal-Mart. Computer and electronics stores are another matter entirely. I understand where the shopping bug comes from, because I can spend weeks looking around and comparing specs and prices before buying a piece of computer equipment. I shopped for a car for over a year. Technology is interesting -- clothes are not. > I don't understand it, but I feel comfortable talking to you. I don't usually open up, especially to people that I haven't even met. I'm the same way. What's really surprising is that we've only been talking for two weeks at the most. > I think most people love the idea of being in love. No one wants to be alone... it's the FEAR FACTOR. Exactly. I would like to think I overcame that during the years that I had pretty well resigned myself to being alone. It was a combination of frustration at finding someone and believing that women were shallow and manipulative and weren't good for anybody. Then I realized that men are the same way, and I decided that relationships aren't good for anybody. That didn't last too long, though. Now I'm largely driven by curiosity. I would like to be in a long term relationship to see what it's like. Of course, I don't like being lonely, but I can handle it if need be. > Willing??? Bad choice of words. That makes it sound like it was a chore to go out with you. I seriously doubt it. Believe me, it's pretty appropriate given the past history of my self-image. On good days I used to think that I was "not that bad” and thought that maybe some girl might settle for me, since I'm fairly responsible, stable, and trustworthy. Notice that exciting, fun, and interesting are not in there. I'm just not into dancing or wild partying or carrying on or the things that girls seem to like in boys (you will notice that I'm using the juvenile forms). Also, I'm not a troll, but I'm not exactly Tom Cruise either. Talking to you has been a pretty huge confidence boost, though. I'm starting to believe that I might even be more desirable than some of the losers I see walking around with all of the attractive women. [relationships] I HATE head games. I don't play games. Come to think of it, I don't play very many games of any kind, including computer. I'm too serious. I do get really involved in the few computer games I like, though. All or nothing. [to be trusted with the Dakota.] Well, if you ever come down here I'll teach you to drive a manual transmission. I would like to have my truck up there if I manage to make it up, but the drive would take a week and a half. > No, I think I'm going to bow out gracefully from this party. I'm just not into it this weekend. Wouldn't want to miss any time talking to you! Don't let this become too consuming. I wouldn't want you to give up on having a life just to sit in front of the computer writing to me. Yeah, look who's talking about having a life. > Well, I finally found something we don't have in common. I'm a nervous wreck in person and I think I do really well on the phone. I remember during high school when I would try to call a girl to ask her out. I used to sit and stare at the fucking phone for hours. I would pick it up and put it back down. I would pick it up and get six numbers, then put it back down. If I ever did manage to dial all seven numbers, I forced myself to go through with it, because I know how obnoxious it is to answer the phone and find nobody there. I'm certainly not that bad anymore, but I was doing a little pacing when I was talking to you the other night. > I can look out for the best interests of the Computer Room and maintaining our current service levels. OH MY GOD! Did I say that? Sure did. Sure, wish I had a job I cared about. This project will be done in the spring, then I'm moving on. I just need to last that long. >> Maybe we should just meet in the middle and tell people that we're both "about 30". > Sounds like a plan! Nobody ever believes me anyway. I get sick of having to prove it by showing my driver’s license. Oh, I don't use that. I want people to think that I'm about 27. The only reason I can't pass for 40 is because I don't look it. I certainly seem to act it. >> Well, I guess the great thing about fantasies is that they don't necessarily need to have any basis in reality. > Reality? That's reserved for business hours only. I don't want reality when I go home. Do you?? No. Well, maybe just a little bit. > “cuddle” How about "romantically entwined"?? That's good, but maybe a little long. Appropriate for a journal paper, but I don't think I'll ever say the words, (Barry White voice) "hey, baby, come over here so we can become romantically entwined." > I took two weeks off to move and unpack. We were in deadline crunch mode when I moved down here last year. I was feeling pretty guilty about heading out on my 45-minute commute when I knew that everybody else was going to be working for another couple of hours. So, I moved. I lived out of boxes for at least a month. I didn't realize that I don't have nearly enough space for all of my shit until I tried to unpack it all. So, it's still in boxes, only now the boxes are hidden in the closet instead of sitting in my hallway. > BTW, my mom wants me to thank-you for her. She says since I've been communicating with you, I've changed even more. Well, tell her thank you from me. > Don't worry - I haven't really said much to her, but I had a vision of you and your brother hovering over the PC chuckling about my mail . It was just a fleeting thought. Oh, no. When I connected from my dad's machine, he came over to see how I set it up to talk to a different service (just dial a different number, Dad). He seemed to be hovering around, trying to see what I was working on. Only natural, I suppose, since I constantly make fun of the cute graphical clicky inefficient programs that he uses, and he keeps trying to figure out what I use instead. I put the scroll back buffer back to the first login screen and politely waited for him to go away. The only thing that I've told anybody about you is that you live in Toronto and that Rush played at your high school. When I mentioned to Nick that I was talking to someone female he said, "sounds like one of those Internet romances!" He's been pissing me off quite a bit lately. Ever since his girlfriend left to go to a post-doctoral fellowship in (I think) Indiana, Nick has been unable to think of anything other than sex. Not romance, just sex. He keeps telling me that I need to find some girl that will sleep with me, never mind any of that emotional stuff. And I keep telling him to mind his own fucking business. He wasn't like this back when his dating experience was comparable to mine. Maybe he was, but he just wasn't so brazen about letting it show through. > I have to let you go, so I can get some food. I forgot to eat today, and I feel a massive headache coming. I want to catch it before it develops into something nasty. Ah, yes, forgetting to eat. I have "pi" memorized out to 23 digits yet about once a week I forget to eat some meal or other. When I get hungry, I can't even remember if I ate anything or not. How's that for priorities? I got your poem about Hector. It reminds me of a dog my dad used to have named Jenny. He got her before I was born. She was a Chesapeake Bay Retriever, and one of the smartest and most fiercely loyal dogs I've ever seen. He used to take her hunting, and he could down a bird, and she wouldn't move. He could sit down, smoke a cigarette, and drink a cup of coffee, and she wouldn't move. As soon as he said, "go get that bird", she was off like a shot, and came back with it as fast as she could get back. One of the saddest days of my life was when he had to take her to the vet to be put down. She was in the back of the truck, and I knew I wouldn't ever see her again. I think she knew she wouldn't ever see any of us again as well. Jeez, look at me. I'm crying. That's been years ago. I'm sort of glad this is e-mail, so I can take a tissue break. Pierre is looking at me like, "what the hell's wrong with you, man?" Where was I? Oh yeah. I got your mail about your ex as well. You want to know what bothers me most about that? That you think I'm shallow enough to let any of that affect our friendship. I can understand, though. It's tough to open up and tell someone about something like that. I don't know what I can tell you other than I'm glad you've realized that it was a mistake and that you're really a great person. I also hope this guy doesn't try to come slithering back into your life. If he does, absolutely don't give in. You're much better off without him. BTW, I'm curious to know how many drinks you had before typing that. I know you mentioned you probably would need a few. I find knowing that helps put conversations into context. That's one thing about e-mail that I don't like. You sometimes don't get a very complete picture of what the other person is going through. Anyway, this ought to keep you busy for a while. I'll check back in a few hours to see if you've responded. Until then... -- Jason - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ⋞- 14 -⋟ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Sat, Nov 30, 1996, 11:28 AM (MST) To: Norah From: Jason Subject: Wow Well, I was just going through my e-mail out box. Pine saves every message you ever send, so I go through every so often and clean it out. I found the message that I sent to the Dakota mailing list about the bed cover, where I mentioned that I wanted to see a ram's-head logo sculpted out of snow. If I'm not mistaken, this was the message where you picked up on my signature and started talking to me. The date of that message was Sunday, November 17. Not even two weeks ago. This is amazing. It feels like I've known you so much longer than that. -- Jason - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ⋞- 15 -⋟ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Sat, Nov 30, 1996, 03:42 PM (EST) To: Jason From: Norah Subject: sent pictures Hi Jason, > At any rate, I didn't get home until about 2:30, and by the time I had all of my shit put away it was 3:00 That's about what time I was getting up. My sleep is so screwed up from shifts, I can't get back on track yet. > Oh, goody. I'm going to go get some bags of sand or salt to put in my bed. Have you done this? If so, how much did you have to add and how much of a difference did it make? While in Edmonton, I used to carry about 100 lbs. of sand in the back of the '93. Last winter with the '95 and the Anti-Spin, I used nothing and didn't have much of a problem. Finding bags of sand in Toronto is a little more difficult than Edmonton. You'd be able to pick it up at any gas station or variety store. If I don't find some relatively close by, I'm just going to use bags of salt. I think I may only need about 50 lbs. > Did you mean to send through something different? In my haste, I sent the wrong one. Here comes the right one. > I understand where the shopping bug comes from because I can spend weeks looking around and comparing specs and prices before buying a piece of computer equipment. I'm staying away from Computer stores for a while. I need a printer and the one I want is just a bit steep, so I'm staying away. I would really like a scanner too. Gotta stay realistic though! > I'm the same way. What's really surprising is that we've only been talking for two weeks at the most. Why does it seem so much longer than that?? I feel like I've known you for a very long time. > I would like to be in a long term relationship to see what it's like. Of course, I don't like being lonely, but I can handle it if need be. Let me know the secret of handling it. I've been using work which is why weekends are too hard to deal with. > Believe me, it's pretty appropriate given the past history of my self-image. On good days I used to think that I was "not that bad", and thought that maybe some girl might settle for me, Settle?? Now you're sounding like I did. STOP!!! It's self-destructive. I KNOW! > since I'm fairly responsible, stable, and trustworthy. Notice that exciting, fun, and interesting are not in there. And why not??? I get excited when I get mail from you. I have fun talking with you. And I find you very interesting. So why do you leave it out??? > I'm just not into dancing or wild partying or carrying on or the things that girls seem to like in boys (you will notice that I'm using the juvenile forms). Join the club, I'd much rather stay home, light my candles, put my music on and relax. It'd be nicer to relax with someone special, but so be it. It's safer this way for now. > Also, I'm not a troll, but I'm not exactly Tom Cruise either. Talking to you has been a pretty huge confidence boost, though. Thanks, now who's complimenting who?? > I'm starting to believe that I might even be more desirable than some of the losers I see walking around with all of the attractive women. You probably are. Give yourself credit... you keep me coming back! > I do get really involved in the few computer games I like, though. All or nothing. I rarely play games other than pool, which I haven't done on a regular basis for a while. I want to get really good at it. But it's not something you can do alone for long. It starts to hurt your back after a while if you don't take any breaks. If I had more space, I'd invest in a table of my own. > Well, if you ever come down here I'll teach you to drive a manual transmission. Cool. Don't tempt me though. I may show up on your doorstep one day. > I would like to have my truck up there if I manage to make it up, IF?? I hope you change that to WHEN!! > ... but the drive would take a week and a half. I wouldn't waste my time driving up. Fly and you can spend more time here. I trust you with my Dak. > Don't let this become too consuming. I wouldn't want you to give up on having a life just to sit in front of the computer writing to me. Yeah, look who's talking about having a life. I'm not giving up having a life. I'm just not in the right frame of mind for this type of party tonight. I still haven't called to cancel though -- chicken-shit. > I remember during high school when I would try to call a girl to ask her out. I used to sit and stare at the fucking phone for hours. That's funny. But in high school, I think we were all like that. > I'm certainly not that bad anymore, but I was doing a little pacing when I was talking to you the other night. Really? Nervous talking to me?? Don't be. I don't bite unless you want me too. > This project will be done in the spring, then I'm moving on. I just need to last that long. Then what? So said you were going back to university. For how long?? And then what exactly are you planning to work at? > I put the scroll back buffer back to the first login screen and politely waited for him to go away. Thanks. Some of the stuff I tell you, I'd hate for anyone else to know. > Nick has been unable to think of anything other than sex. Not romance, just sex. That could lead to trouble for him. But if that's where is head is at, don't bug him. People only learn for themselves. > He keeps telling me that I need to find some girl that will sleep with me, never mind any of that emotional stuff. He's probably going through his own shit, so don't worry about it. Do whatever is best for Jason. > I got your poem about Hector. Dogs have a way of latching on to your heart. It's because they love you just because you're you. They don't care about the way you look, dress, behave, talk, or walk. It's unconditional love. Too bad humans haven't mastered this technique. > Where was I? Oh yeah. I got your mail about your ex as well. You want to know what bothers me most about that? That you think I'm shallow enough to let any of that affect our friendship. I can understand, though. I'm sorry. I don't think you're shallow, it just that last night, I had a major relapse of all of my old insecurities. I think I know what's causing it. I just have to figure out how to resolve it and get back on track. I guess I have to accept that after years of insecurity, it will rear its ugly little head once in a while. I'm just not used to people (especially men) accepting me for me and not be judgmental. > I don't know what I can tell you other than I'm glad you've realized that it was a mistake and that you're really a great person. Thanks. You, my mom, and my therapist are the only ones who know these details. > I also hope this guy doesn't try to come slithering back into your life. If he does, absolutely don't give in. You're much better off without him. I have absolutely no intentions of ever speaking or seeing this creature again. I'd rather die than stoop that low ever again. > BTW, I'm curious to know how many drinks you had before typing that. I know you mentioned you probably would need a few. Absolutely none. Stone cold sober. It was very difficult opening fresh wounds again, but I did it. I feel much better now, but there were definitely tears pouring out along with the words. Especially when I thought you wouldn't want to speak with me again. I find certain music helps me put things back into perspective. Today I was in a Metallica[54] mood. The song: "Nothing Else Matters" is one of my favorites along with "The Unforgiven". These always straighten me out. Strange... I guess so, but that's me. > Anyway, this ought to keep you busy for a while. I'll check back in a few hours to see if you've responded. You're such a sweetheart! I really should go for now. My mom is here and I'm spending all my time writing you. She's now decided to clean my place, so I have to go and stop her. I don't want her thinking that I ask her over so she can do my work for me. I'm too stubborn for that. I've never taken advantage of anyone in my life, and I'll be damned if I'll start now. I got my Dakota pictures today. Crap! I used 400 ASA and should have used 100. Now I'll have to wait for another nice day and try again. By the way, I'm having a rum and coke while writing this. Only one. Write me back real soon??? Bye, Norah - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ⋞- 16 -⋟ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Sat, Nov 30, 1996, 03:16 PM (MST) To: Norah From: Jason Subject: Re: your mail Hey Norah, I found a comic strip you might appreciate. Today's Non Sequitur[55] has "Nature's contract with dogs": AGREEMENT Obligations of dog: 1. Eat. 2. Sleep. 3. Remain blissfully oblivious of everything else. Perks: The world is your toilet. Mom
----------------------- ---------------- Mother Nature Dog > My sleep is so screwed up from shifts, I can't get back on track yet. If you're alert during the day, I don't see anything wrong with it. I'm on day 2 of the caffeine-free experiment (well, I did have a Diet Coke on the way home last night). I'm not doing too bad, but I did almost end up falling asleep when I sat down to put my socks on. > … sand/salt in truck bed for extra weight … I don't have the anti-spin, so I think I'm going to put some salt in. I haven't seen sand around. I am thinking about adding some sort of limited slip differential, but they're a few hundred dollars. I just have to decide where that priority fits in with new tires, a spray-in bedliner and air conditioning. > I need a printer and the one I want is just a bit steep, so I'm staying away. I would really like a scanner too. Gotta stay realistic though! I'm trying to do the same thing. Scanner, sound card, CD ROM, speakers, printer, etc. etc. As my dad once said, "I've figured out how to make a small fortune with my computer. Start with a large fortune." > Why does it seem so much longer than that?? I feel like I've known you for a very long time. I don't know. Maybe because we have so much in common. Or maybe because we both really needed someone to talk to. Or it might just be the sheer amount of e-mail we've exchanged :-). > [loneliness] > Let me know the secret of handling it. I've been using work which is why weekends are too hard to deal with. I'm used to it. It's become status quo for me. > Settle?? Now you're sounding like I did. STOP!!! It's self-destructive. I KNOW! I know it as well. I'm even starting to believe it. > And why not??? I get excited when I get mail from you. I have fun talking with you. And I find you very interesting. So why do you leave it out??? The next paragraph. > Join the club, I'd much rather stay home, light my candles, put my music on and relax. It'd be nicer to relax with someone special, but so be it. It's safer this way for now. I'm with you. I like things which are quieter and more relaxing. I guess I'm just not cut out to be young. Most of the people I know that are my age like to run around and scream and yell and do things which cause their adrenaline to skyrocket, like falling off of a mountain on skis or a bicycle. I like mountain biking, but not down steep fucking hills. I don't ski either. I think I'm just too much of a control freak to just let gravity take over. I'm not into adrenaline, either. I'd rather go fishing. > I rarely play games other than pool… I knew two guys in high school who had pool tables. I can't bring myself to pay to play after getting so many free games. Especially if you're paying per game. I like 9 ball, but it's too short to play on a table that charges per game. My latest obsession is Tie Fighter, a computer simulation based on Star Wars. It's a good way to relax. Of course, I play way too much solitaire at work. I hate solitaire, but I play it anyway. I think Microsoft put subliminal messages into their Windows solitaire which says, "Play more solitaire." I've heard stories of people who have gone out and shelled out the ninety bucks for Windows just so they could play that solitaire game. > Cool. Don't tempt me though. I may show up on your doorstep one day. Sounds good. The only problem is that we're going to be going into deadline crunch mode here pretty soon, so I would have to be at work the whole time. Wait a few months. > I wouldn't waste my time driving up. Fly and you can spend more time here. I trust you with my Dak. I'll try. Maybe I'll ask for plane tickets for my birthday. > I'm not giving up having a life. I'm just not in the right frame of mind for this type of party tonight. I still haven't called to cancel though -- chicken-shit. I just got the invitation to the company Christmas party. It's addressed to "Jason Bleazard & spouse or other guest." Too bad you're so far away, we could go to the Mormon company party and sneak in some Captain Morgan[56]. > That's funny. But in high school, I think we were all like that. That's good to hear. Boy, I sure don't miss those days one bit. > Really? Nervous talking to me?? Don't be. I don't bite unless you want me too. Hey, now. I can't figure out where my irrational fear of phones comes from. I'm sure I'll be fine, though. Don't let that stop you from calling if you ever want to talk to me again. > Then what? So said you were going back to university. For how long?? And then what exactly are you planning to work at? I'm going to need an undergraduate degree in physics or astronomy before I can get into any self-respecting graduate astronomy program. I figure that will take at least two years. Then I would like to go the University of Colorado[57] for graduate school. It's a really good school, and the surrounding geography is just like home. I really like Utah; I just can't stand the Mormons it's populated with. > Thanks. Some of the stuff I tell you, I'd hate for anyone else to know. Same here. I don't really have any huge secrets, but I have a reputation as a calloused bastard to maintain. I can't often let my sensitive side show through. > I'm new to the Internet so I guess I'm a little naive -- Internet Romances??? Well, I guess I can see how it can happen. Whatever works, I guess. Exactly. I think it's just more media hype. I don't think the Internet is anywhere as cool or as far advanced as the news makes it out to be. It seems like they think you can put on a little helmet, and it takes over your brain, so you think you're instantly somewhere else. Although I guess if people can have phone sex they'll probably try e-mail or online chat sex. I'm not into that, sorry. > (Nick) That could lead to trouble for him. But if that's where is head is at, don't bug him. People only learn for themselves. You're right. I just feel like I can't understand him anymore. Also, they spend about four nights a week hanging out, and I only get in on one of those. It seems like they're always inventing new sayings or hand gestures or making references to events I've missed out on. I feel like I can't understand my friends anymore. I guess that's the price I'm paying for moving down here. > dogs and unconditional love. Too bad humans haven't mastered this technique. That's true. They're also incredibly loyal and trusting. Too bad they're not better conversationalists. Of course, if they were, I know a lot of people who wouldn't ever associate with other humans. > I'm sorry. I don't think you're shallow, it just that last night, I had a major relapse of all of my old insecurities. That's all right. I know how it goes. I just wish I could make you believe that I consider you a friend no matter what. Part of being a friend is being understanding and supportive. I never would have had the heart to abandon you after you opened up to me like that. If anything, you've made me feel closer to you. > Thanks. You, my mom, and my therapist are the only ones who know these details. Wow, I'm honored. Like I told you before, it's really important to me that you know you can trust me. > I have absolutely no intentions of ever speaking or seeing this creature again. I'd rather die than stoop that low ever again. Good. I've heard way too many stories of women who finally manage to get rid of some scumbag only to take them right back six months later. It just makes me sick, what some people can get away with doing to someone else. > Absolutely none. Stone cold sober. That puts a new perspective on it. Usually, people will tell you things after a few rounds that they never would have sober. Reading that makes me want to give you a really big hug. Consider yourself hugged, I guess. > My mom is here and I'm spending all my time writing you. She's now decided to clean my place I don't let my mom anywhere near my stuff because she starts throwing it away. > By the way, I'm having a rum and coke while writing this. Only one. Doesn't count, unless you're more susceptible to alcohol than I am. I never start to feel those until at least two, usually three. Oh, wait. I'm thinking about the one-ounce limit at bars. I guess if I'm mixing them, it doesn't take anywhere near that many. It's been so long since I've been able to drink that I can't really remember. Oh, my hell, where did the time go? Oh, boy. So much for that hour. Until later, Jason - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ⋞- 17 -⋟ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Sat, Nov 30, 1996, 07:31 PM (EST) To: Jason From: Norah Subject: Re: your mail Hey Jason, > I found a comic strip you might appreciate. Today's Non Sequitur has "Nature's contract with dogs": I love it. Nothing could be truer. > … caffeine-free experiment… (well, I did have a Diet Coke on the way home last night). I'm not doing too bad, but I did almost end up falling asleep when I sat down to put my socks on. Yeah right! > I just have to decide where that priority fits in with new tires, a spray-in bedliner and air conditioning. My order of priority would be new tires (safety first), A/C (comfort for sure next) and then the bedliner (great, but not essential). > I'm trying to do the same thing. Scanner, sound card, CD ROM, speakers, printer, etc. etc. As my dad once said, "I've figured out how to make a small fortune with my computer. Start with a large fortune." Good one! I've got everything but printer and scanner. So far I can manage without, but I still really, really want. > I don't know. Maybe because we have so much in common. Or maybe because we both really needed someone to talk to. Or it might just be the sheer amount of e-mail we've exchanged :-). It must be that fact that we have so much in common. Because if it was the need to talk to someone, there are a lot of people here that I could call. It's just not the same, though. The sheer amount of e-mail runs pretty close though. >> Settle?? Now you're sounding like I did. STOP!!! It's self-destructive. I KNOW! > I know it as well. I'm even starting to believe it. STOP IT! I feel like putting my hand through the PC and smacking you in the head to wake you up!! [bike riding & skiing] Another thing we don't have in common: I couldn't ride a bike if my life depended on it. I have the worst sense of balance around. I've tried many times. I have a terrible fear of falling. Mind you, I used to cross-country ski back in BC. Hills - no thank-you. > I can't bring myself to pay to play after getting so many free games. Especially if you're paying per game. I like 9 ball, but it's too short to play on a table that charges per game. I belong to a club that's open 24 hours and have all sizes of tables. I've tried snooker, but I'm too short (5'3" & 3/4 - gotta get that 3/4 in there) and have a real struggle. I usually play 8 ball on the small tables. At least I can reach with ease. > My latest obsession is Tie Fighter, a computer simulation based on Star Wars. There's one game that came with my PC that is totally addictive. It's not really even a game. It's called "Silent Steel[58]", comes on 4 CD's and is so frustrating. I stopped for a while now as it was taking up far too much time. I think you'd love it. They call it a "Cinematic Strategy Adventure". No graphics, but live people filmed as a movie, and you are the captain of a US Nuclear sub in the Mediterranean. Depending on the decisions you make, seems to determine how long before you kill yourself and crew. I know there's a way to make it to the end, but I can't seem to get there. From start to end can last anywhere from 15 minutes to several hours. Then you also have to option to save it as a movie, credits, and all. One of the best games I've ever come across. > Sounds good. The only problem is that we're going to be going into deadline crunch mode here pretty soon, so I would have to be at work the whole time. Wait a few months. Don't worry, I would never just show up. I don't go anywhere unless invited. > I just got the invitation to the company Christmas party. It's addressed to "Jason Bleazard & spouse or other guest." Too bad you're so far away… Thanks for thinking of me - it would have been fun. > … high school … Boy, I sure don't miss those days one bit. I don't just not miss them but would like to forget them completely. > Hey, now. I can't figure out where my irrational fear of phones comes from. I'm sure I'll be fine, though. Don't let that stop you from calling if you ever want to talk to me again. You shouldn't have said that. I may just call you tonight just to make you pace. Seriously, I want to call, but I don't want to be a pest. BTW I did find one of my phone cards buried on my desk. It's not even one from work. Probably why I haven't used it. I don't want to be a traitor. If you want to call me, use this card. It's good for 20 minutes from anywhere in the US to Canada. > … dogs… They're also incredibly loyal and trusting. Too bad they're not better conversationalists. I have more respect for my dogs than quite a few people that I know. My dogs would never lie to me. > Part of being a friend is being understanding and supportive... If anything, you've made me feel closer to you. Thanks. You don't know how good that feels to hear. > Wow, I'm honored. Like I told you before, it's really important to me that you know you can trust me. I just can't figure out why I trust you so much. It's almost kind of eerie. > It just makes me sick, what some people can get away with doing to someone else. I don't want to see this creep ever again, but I still have a couple of problems to deal with. When he left, he left will all his crap still here. Clothes, gym shit, papers etc. I've packed all of it up in boxes, but he's too chicken shit to pick it up. I'm almost tempted to load it up on the truck and drop it off on their front lawn, but I don't feel like wasting my time, energy, or gas on them. I just don't know what to do with this shit. I want it out of my place the sooner the better. Any ideas?? The other problem is that I have to do the divorce thing. I've already dropped the name. I used to hyphenate the last name. I never legally changed it, just added his to the end of my own. Most of my ID is back where it should be. I guess I never changed it for some subconscious reason I wasn't aware of. > Consider yourself hugged, I guess. Considered hugged! Too bad it couldn't be for real. [alcohol] Two or three is usually my limit unless I'm nervous about something. I don't drink much at home though. Just once in a while. I gotta go. My mother's cooking now!!!! I can't get her to sit still. I think I'll have to tie her down or drive her home. I already cleaned out my fridge from everything she made before, and my freezer can't hold any more. Write or call soon??? Unless you have plans tonight. Norah - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ⋞- 18 -⋟ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Sat, Nov 30, 1996, 08:13 PM (MST) To: Norah From: Jason Subject: Re: your mail > My order of priority would be new tires (safety first), a/c (comfort for sure next) and then the bedliner (great, but not essential). The tires that are on there have plenty of tread left on them. I just want to get some that are slightly larger (more ground clearance) and tougher for off-road use. I want them today but can't really justify throwing away the set that's on there. I won't need A/C until spring (plus it's pretty expensive). I'm actually thinking the bedliner or the limited slip might be highest. The previous owner definitely hauled stuff in the bed (that's ok -- that's what it's for) and I've put some toolboxes back there that have the paint in pretty bad shape. I've got the bed cover on there, but I would hate for it to start rusting. The spray-in bedliners will outlast the truck, and they're not much more expensive than having the bed re-painted. The limited slip would be really nice on snow and ice. I suppose I should wait and see how much money I have left after Christmas. [computer shopping] I have all of that stuff (except the scanner), but I just want bigger, faster, and better. I'm pretty much caught in the endlessly rotating computer upgrade loop. As soon as I buy one thing, something else is out of date and I want to run something that drives me to upgrade it. > STOP IT! I feel like putting my hand through the PC and smacking you in the head to wake you up!! Ouch. > … can’t ride a bike and fear of falling Falling to the side doesn't bother me that much, but I don't like the idea of going over or into the handlebars. I might be able to get into cross country skiing, but I think I should be in better shape first. I would hate to find myself in the middle of nowhere and realize that I'm too tired to make it back. [billiards club] Do they charge per game, or is it just a flat rate no matter how much you play? If it's a flat rate, I might try to find something like that around here. It never occurred to me to look for something like that. [Silent Steel] I'll have to keep an eye out for that one. I've pretty much played Tie Fighter to death, and I'm starting to look for something else. Of course, they're coming out with a multi-player version where you can play up to 8 people, X-Wings against Ties. Actually, it's simply called X-Wing vs. TIE Fighter. I've seen screen shots and the graphics look incredible. They know how to get me to buy stuff: just tie it in to Star Trek, Star Wars or Babylon 5. > Don't worry, I would never just show up. I don't go anywhere unless invited. I'll have to see what the schedule looks like after the first of the year. We'll keep it in mind. [high school] > I don't just not miss them but would like to forget them completely. I wouldn't necessarily want to forget high school. Junior high is another matter entirely. That was an experience I could have done without. Although I did get some good stories about brass knuckle fights and blood all over the walls and my locker. I grew up in the economically less-advantaged area of town. We had a pretty good gang population years before the news media picked up on the fact that there were gangs invading Utah. > You shouldn't have said that. I may just call you tonight just to make you pace. Seriously, I want to call, but I don't want to be a pest. You're not a pest. The thing about the phone is, if I'm not in a mood to talk, I don't have to pick it up. That's why I have an answering machine and caller ID. Mostly those are to protect me from people who want to sell me things. > I have more respect for my dogs that quite a few people that I know. My dogs would never lie to me. That's an extremely good point. >> Part of being a friend is being understanding and supportive. I never would have had the heart to abandon you after you opened up to me like that. If anything, you've made me feel closer to you. > Thanks. You don't know how good that feels to hear. I think I have some idea. You've said many things to me that made me feel great, and I'm glad I could return the favor. > I just can't figure out why I trust you so much. It's almost kind of eerie. Because I'm a Nice Guy. We seem to be a dying breed. [ex’s crap] Garbage. You could take the clothes over to the Salvation Army (or whatever the Canadian equivalent is). They always need that sort of thing. That isn't the nice accommodating thing to do, but it sounds to me like he's had his chance. [your name] I was going to ask you if Kiraly was your name or his. Kept slipping my mind. Is he not participating in the divorce process at all? God, what a slacker. That's a huge pain in the ass. > Considered hugged! Too bad it couldn't be for real. Agreed. It's the thought that mostly counts, but that would feel pretty nice, wouldn't it? > Two or three is usually my limit unless I'm nervous about something. I've been told that drinking alone is the first warning sign of alcoholism. I was starting to do that, which is one of the reasons I haven't missed it since I got really sick. Although, come to think of it, it could have been getting drunk alone, which I was not doing. If two or three is your limit, I'm not concerned. So, was the rum & coke for a special occasion, or was it just because your mom was cleaning out your place? I know I could probably use one if my mom decided to do the same thing. > I gotta go. My mother's cooking now!!!! Yes, I got a bunch of leftovers from Thanksgiving. I've already made a pretty serious dent in them, though. It's funny how moms equate food with love. Well, that's pretty good for tonight. I'm starting to go bug-eyed from staring at the screen for so long. Write back when you get a chance. Jason - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ⋞- 19 -⋟ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Norah's Musings 